As you might know from reading this blog, dear readers, I am not one to let my problems define me or take over my life. After all, I am an optimistic realist and I know that in order to be in a happier, more productive place in my life I have to make the first move. Change begins with me. Therefore, I've decided to be more proactive in alleviating my loneliness.
There are a handful of "Goth Meetup" social groups here in the NYC area, however most of them seem to be populated by folks in their 20s, are inactive completely, or concentrate solely on clubbing. In response, I have created a Yahoo Group, The Dancefloor Tragedies:
The goal of this group is to promote friendship among Goths in the New York City Metro Area who are over 30 and who have found themselves unable to create and maintain meaningful relationships because of demanding careers and family life. Going to clubs is always fun, however many 30+ year olds simply can not make this a regular activity because of time constraints, other responsibilities, and sheer exhaustion from a long week at work. This is especially true here in NYC where nights start between 11:00 pm - 12:00 am when most of us are hankering down for bed. While we do promote an occasional (once a month?) club night, most of our meet ups center around more social activities like dinners, shows, concerts, museums, movies, zoo going, operas ... or just plain old fashioned hanging out.
In order to be a member of this group you must be over 35 and a Goth, meaning you must be into Goth/EBM/Industrial music, fashion, etc. You also must be within the NYC Metro area and want to be social in real life and real time (not just here on the internet). Singles, couples, child-free and parents are all welcome.
The only rule of this group is to BE NICE TO EACH OTHER. We will not tolerate flaming, abuse, or "Gothier than thou" attitudes. Disagreements happen, but you simply must be respectful to each other. One infraction: you receive a warning, two infractions: you're moderated, three infractions: you're out of here.
I'm not entirely certain how this is going to turn out or if people are even going to be interested, but it's worth a shot. Who knows? The possibilities are endless ... and maybe friendships will be born.
Today I had my class observation at Parsons. Being observed by a senior faculty member is a standard procedure in all universities. This practice is intended to maintain an open dialogue between senior and junior members of the faculty, in which pedagogical discussions and critiques can occur thereby creating better professors. While the goal is noble and quite necessary, these observations are extremely nerve wracking. I know that I'm an awesome professor because my students grow and learn in my classes, observable by their progress. In addition, students often give me great reviews such as, "Professor Z. is really hard, but fair, and always interesting. I learned a lot in her class" (actual quote from a student review from last year). However, reviews written by faculty members are based on theoretical issues like teaching methods and successful communication of complex ideas.
Needless to say, I think it went really well today. I was very impressed with my students as they answered difficult questions, clearly expressed their thoughts and opinions, and seemed genuinely engaged in the subject. They were so animated that I completely forgot that the observer was there, making it that much easier for me not to be nervous. The observer stayed approximately an hour, smiled often and wrote a lot. When she left one of my students exclaimed, "Professor Z., we got your back!" Awwwww ... instant melted academician! I love when they do that!
I decided to wear something a bit more stylish, artsy and professional. For the record, that skirt's waist band -- which is very wide -- is actually sitting on my hips. Oh yes, I must be down two dress sizes! The skirt is a shorter faux wrap made of grey and black leopard print jersey knit. The cut and the patten really makes it look like it fits me better than it does, so I'm going to be able to get away with wearing it for a little longer. You've seen the blouse before, however this time I've accentuated my waist with the cincher belt that I've been living in lately. I am sure you'll see this belt all the time -- well, at least until it's too big on me -- because it's really helping me keep a wardrobe in circulation that is way too large. The blouse has lovely sequined, winged sleeves that adds a bit of dash and drama to the whole outfit. I topped the look with grey, diamond-patterned stockings and my pointed-toe flats that I featured in a previous post.
I avoided wearing chunky jewelry because I was being observed. I wanted her to pay attention to my students and to my lecture. When I was actually being observed I was wearing my pincord black blazer over the whole ensemble, but took it off when the she left the room. The only jewelry I wore was the hoops and nose stud I don't take out, a pair of small diamond studs in my second holes, and small diamond hoops set in silver. I wore my hair in a tight, low bun to the right side, topped with a black flower.
This past week and weekend was quite busy as you can probably tell from my lack of blog entries and my neglect of responding to all of your comments. I do apologize and want you, dear readers, to know that I read every single comment and I promise to respond to you throughout the day. Last week was one of those weeks that I had approximately 20 different things on my "To Do" list that were priority because of deadlines. In addition, I spent two days at the NYPL hidden from the internet and any remaining social life I might have so that I could do some work. It's been a week of work, work and more work ... and I have to say that I'm feeling mighty lonely because of it.
A few years ago I laughed at comic strip that depicted a young PhD student just entering his program. Throughout the strip he kept telling his friends that he couldn't go out because he was just too busy with school work. When he finally defended his dissertation and was ready to return to the world with a PhD in hand all of his friends had disappeared, leaving him alone to start his social life all over again. I swore that this would never happen to me and made an effort to go out as much as I could for the first two years of my PhD studies. This soon gave way as I immersed myself deeper and deeper into my studies and turned my attention to "my career." Grad school is a lonely path and unless you make some friends in your program often times you will find that people in your social sphere will stop asking you to go out, they'll get married and have kids, or they'll move away. When you're ready to go out again there isn't anyone there and, like me, you'll suddenly find yourself without a social group. Why not make friends in my PhD program? 1. Many of the people in my program are way younger than me, and 2. we just don't have anything in common except that we are all Art Historians. My interests and their interests stop at the museum.
NYC isn't the most conducive to making friends. Why not go out to club nights? Very simply put all Goth/Industrial/EBM/etc. nights start no earlier than 11:00 pm and don't really get started until midnight. Now this may not sound so bad to all of you 20 somethings, but for this pushing 40 year old who busts her ass all week it is quite an inconvenience. I had all good intentions on going out this Saturday night to go to a club that was celebrating a local DJ's 20th anniversary spinning Goth here in NYC. I was up at 6:00 am that morning to take my History of Illustration students to the NYPL to see some really amazing books and prints in their Print Collection (more on that in my next post). By the time I got home I was EXHAUSTED. I wished that the dance night would start much earlier, say 9:00, but alas it didn't. sigh .... I was in bed by the time the doors were open. Sad.
Needless to say, I'm feeling mighty lonely in this great, big city that has been my home for 39 years (minus two years that I lived in Salem, MA). Do any of you over 35 year olds feel like this in your home town? Do you feel like meeting people and making friends is almost impossible? It just seems like when you hit a certain age people are too wrapped up in their careers, themselves, or their families to want to have external friendships. I know that I'm guilty of holing up in the library to study and work. I know that I've been "absent" from the world ... but there's got to be a way to have a social life as an older Goth without always needing to go to clubs all the time. There must be another way.
Alas, I am rambling too much ... let's get on to Sunday's outfit. Sunday was my self-imposed day off from work to spend time with Ed. We ended up going to a mall in New Jersey so that I could try on rain coats, none of which were fabulous enough to buy. The good news is that I'm actually closer to being a misses XL. All of the women's sizes were just too boxy and big on me! HUZZAH! Unfortunately, many of the misses XLs weren't quite roomy enough ... I am once again between sizes, not that I'm complaining or anything. ;)
In the evening we went to my mother-in-law's to celebrate her birthday with Chinese food, ice cream cake and the Oscars. Must see movies: The Artist, Hugo, and Anonymous. Any opinions on them?
I wore my wine velvet skirt with the diagonal tiers that are trimmed in lace and the top that I featured in my Monthly Homework Assignment for January, Snow and Ice. The skirt still fits, albeit loosely ... the blouse however is a whole other story. It's way too big on me and the only way to get more use out of it is to belt it with my cincher belt, which is also loose on me! The belt itself is fitting without any stretch in the elastic! I knew that I should have bought the smaller size, but that was a month ago and I really didn't have the foresight to know just how much weight I would actually lose this month!
I wore my knee-high Doc Martins and thick socks and no stockings. Sometimes a gal needs a break from the stockings, tights, and pantyhose! ;) The jewelry that I'm wearing was a gift from Ed for Yule. The earrings and necklace are from the new Alchemy Gothic line, Coffin Drop Cameo.
I decided to break my fashion rut by spending some time on my makeup. I'm wearing Manic Panic's "Love Color" in Wildfire and MAC's Black Tied Velvet eyeshadow. I used the Manic Panic eyeshadow both wet and dry in order to get a nice, dark, defined look that gently fades as it moves outwards. I rimmed my eyes with TokiDoki's black glitter liner and drew on my eyebrows with Revlon's Stiletto liquid liner in Blackest Black. My lipstain is from Revlon's "Just Bitten" line in Midnight.
Ah, my Ed! I'm happy to report that my hubby has also join us in Bat Fit and has lost 15 pounds. He and I are making right food decisions and cutting our portions. He's completely off the soda and I'm exercising. It's so much fun to have him on board, and it makes life for me extremely easy. Who knows where he's going to level out! All I have to say is that he's looking mighty fine -- he's thinning out and letting his hair hang long. RAWR! ;)
BAT FIT CHALLENGE: BRAG FEST INSTALLMENT
I'm an awesome caretaker and daughter. I make sure that my Mom is happy, healthy and safe every single day. I make sure that she gets to her doctors' appointments, that the chores are done at her house, that she's eating, and that she doesn't get too lonely. I visit with her every week and listen to her: her dreams, her fears, her happiness and her sorrow. She's truly my best friend and I would drop everything for my Mom if she needed me.
UGH! I look so tired! Let's just say I had a "challenging" week. And look, no lipstick!
Tuesday's look was the result of a very tired, very overworked Professor. I've been working like a madwoman on my History of Illustration classes -- grading and organizing -- that it has left very little time to do anything else, including my dissertation work. It's frustrating the crap out of me, and as a result I told Parsons that I will not be available to teach in the Fall and Spring. Yipes. I'm scared to death to leave (hopefully temporarily) a good teaching gig, but I know that a full-time job and eventual tenure will not be possible without my PhD. I need to get this dissertation done and that means I need a break from teaching in order to research and write. And let's face, I'm burnt out. Last year I taught four classes in Spring 2011, three in Fall 2011, and now three more ... all while trying to get my dissertation proposal approved and doing my own work. Stick a fork in me, I'm done physically, mentally and emotionally.
I've been dragging my tush lately and I have to admit, I haven't really come up with spectacular and inspired outfits. Unfortunately, I'm dressing professionally to get by for a day of teaching. No bells, no whistles. I've fallen back into a quick and easy routine. As you can see in the above photo, the routine consists of pulling on a nice skirt and pretty blouse, and pairing them with some fun earrings. My makeup is simple and fast: powder, some blush, liquid liner across my top lid, and softly brushed in brows. The skirt is a double layer flouncy number that I featured before. The top layer of the skirt is a very light georgette that's sewn in a handkerchief style. The oversized peasant blouse is rayon and belts with a fabric belt. I LOVE this blouse -- the design and the colors had me the minute I laid eyes on it. And who doesn't love a ruffled, flouncy sleeve? If I had my wits about me on Tuesday morning I probably would have belted the blouse with my cincher belt, but I didn't have my wits about me as I ran out the door. Ah well.
Do you fall into fashion ruts because you are too busy? How do you overcome it?
Let's face it, many of us find it very difficult to pat ourselves on the back or talk about our successes and accomplishments. Rather, we spend most of our time complaining that we didn't succeed at our goal, that we aren't good enough or special enough, and that we need to improve this or that. Women in our society are especially taught to be humble and to avoid bragging about ourselves and our accomplishments. Those who do are labeled egotists, bitches, and prideful ... and are considered with suspicion and hate. We are taught to talk about ourselves in a negative light and to accept compliments gracefully but hastily, quickly moving to the next topic. It's very rare to hear women brag about who they are and what awesome things they do. Hell, many men I know consider bragging to be beneath them and a sign of weakness. They consider the bragger to be false and hiding a dark reality under a guise of posturing. Sure, there are some people who use their own bragging to build themselves up and, in turn, take others down a notch. They make a habit of making sure you feel like crap because they are so awesome. This isn't what I am talking about at all.
What I am talking about isn't an unhealthy bragging, but rather simply celebrating every awesome thing you do everyday. It's about honoring your accomplishments. It's about knowing that you can do something because you are the best qualified -- that you're awesome at your vocation, or art, or chosen path. And it's about speaking positively about yourself and the good that you do. I honestly think that if we balanced talking about our problems with talking about our accomplishments we wouldn't feel so terrible. And it would give our circle of family and friend cause to celebrate with us. It's very important to celebrate each other and ourselves every day.
Not too long ago, a good friend of mine gave me a bit of advice regarding a healthy dose of arrogance and ego. Of course, his advice was in reaction to me doubting my abilities as a scholar and teacher. He told me that I need to cultivate a healthy ego and that arrogance (meaning knowing that I am the best at what I do) goes a long way in academia. I really took his advice to heart, but I'll admit that I haven't really followed it. I never feel good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, etc. etc. I very rarely talk about my accomplishments and I have a hard time accepting compliments ... yet, I have a hard time accepting criticism because I am so unsure and I'm a bit of a perfectionist. I don't have a very strong self-confidence and I need to gather the courage to do things that are new or that I might fail at initially. I am constantly doubting myself ... and in this field that's a recipe for disaster.
So, dear Bat Fitters, I give you a challenge that I, myself, am going to have a very difficult time accomplishing:
For the next two weeks we will be having a BRAG-FEST! Yup, in the spirit of the ancient Celts we will raise our tankards in a toast to ourselves and all that we do! We will stand up and say, "I am awesome at xyz!" "I successfully accomplished xyz and I'm damned proud of myself!" Your challenge, if you chose to accept it, is to blog about, comment here about, or talk about with your loved ones those accomplishments that you are most proud; what makes you special; and what you love about yourself, etc. Everyday for two weeks you will celebrate YOURSELF. Pop the cork on the champagne and raise the glass high, for you are awesome.
With that said there is ONE RULE: you may not make fun of or be snarky towards the bragger. You may, however, tell them how awesome they truly are. ;)
I give to you my first brag:
I am a damned awesome scholar. I am a strong researcher and an even stronger writer. I make insightful connections that can be quite groundbreaking and revolutionary. And my research skills are unmatched -- the library is my domain and is often putty in my hands. And the best part: I love what I do!
Mind the lipstick-less face: it's 6:50 am and I'm running out the door to catch a train.
As you know, Fridays are my early days and that means I'm up at 6:00 am to get to Parsons by 8:30 am. I try to get there early so that I have some time to advise students if they need, and to make sure my lesson is organized and that I'm mentally prepared to hit the big topics they need to know. This Friday was a particularly challenging one: I haven't been having the best of weeks. I've been emotional and very depressed the entire week, so much so that I really didn't get a lot done. Add to it a very "trying" menstruation and well, I was lucky if I got some makeup on my face Friday morning. I have a whole host of reasons why I've been blue lately, in particular my annual bout of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SADs). Let's face it, I get the SADs. every winter. I need warmth, sunshine and growing things to lift my spirits. Wandering about the woods yesterday with Ed searching for signs of spring -- the skunk cabbage pushing up through the watery mud, the buds on the trees, and the scurrying critters making nests and wooing each other -- helped me tremendously. I really need to make sure that I keep an eye on the mud, on the buds and in the air for the next few weeks. Perhaps I'll even start laying out the garden on paper so that I have something growing and green to look forward to. This will make me feel much, much better.
I wasn't feeling my normal chipper self on Friday so I decided to wear something more comfortable and practical than super elegant. I wore my new pants, which are two sizes smaller than those I wore before Bat Fit. You can't really tell that they are a smaller size in the above photo because the pants, now a size 16 women's, are very baggy on me. Even the long sleeved cotton blouse with the smocked, button down front and my beloved corduroy purple blazer are loose on me! With all of the working out and portion downsizing I noticed that my frame has completely transformed. My arms, neck and chest are much smaller and more defined; my back and abs are getting defined; and my waist is shrinking. My legs, hips and butt are loosing inches and cellulite. And, most importantly women's sizes aren't fitting right anymore.
I spent the afternoon with my Mom and she assessed my clothing for me. She suggested that I am no longer in Women's sizes because of the way the clothing is drooping in certain areas. She urged me to start trying on Misses 18s to see if the fit is more aligned with my current proportions. MISSES! Sheeze, the last time I was able to shop in regular stores for Misses sizes was six years ago! I am going to wait until the semester is over before I actually start buying new clothes, but her suggestion makes a lot of sense to me.
I've also been complaining that I hit a weight loss plateau and the minute I said it, I lost another three pounds, making my total to date 18 pounds! My metabolism and body have been re-calibrating, causing me to crave certain types of foods. I have a hankering for sauteed fiddle heads and baked flounder, both with a squirt of lemon and a bit of butter. I've been having soup for breakfast and poached eggs for lunch! *shrug* Whatever works and whatever my body needs, I guess. And let's not forget seasonal cravings like fiddle heads and spinach! I'm dying for fresh, locally grown crunching greens. And I'm dying for some good ol' fashioned rye bread from the Green Market. Yep, my metabolism is back on track!
The Run Down:
Pants, blouse and jacket: Lane Bryant ... which I won't be shopping at anymore
Shoes: DSW
Jet necklace: My Mom made it
Earrings: Kohl's
Working at home can be challenging. For some people motivation is an issue because "home" is filled with fun stuff to do other than work. For me, working at home usually means diving into my grading, lectures, and reading/research without getting out of my pajamas or taking a shower. I don't have an issue with motivation; rather, I have an issue with taking time out to actually take care of myself. I usually eat at my desk over my books and keyboard. I often don't shower until very late in the day. And I rarely get out of my pjs ... it's a not a very pretty picture.
There's something to be said about waking up in the morning, exercising, eating breakfast, showering and getting dressed. I always feel better when I'm actually "dressed for the day," and in some ways I think I'm more productive and focused. I tested this theory on Thursday, which tends to be one of my busiest "at home days" of the week. Granted, my outfit is really nothing special, but it is something I would wear to a friend's house or a quick run to the store -- minus the flip-flops. I only ever wear flip-flops around the house because no matter how much I sweep or vacuum there's always cat litter in the darnedest places and it drives me nuts. I'll also take them with me to my Mom's to wear after gardening or around her house. I never wear them out. Ever. I'm wearing a pair of black jeans and a washable silk cowl-neck tunic that gathers at the sleeves with a cute, little button detail. The silk has been worn and washed to death so this top is more of a "knock around" blouse than anything else, and damned comfortable to boot! I believe I've featured this top before, but I honestly can't remember.
I wore my hair up to the side, put a black flower where I gathered my hair up, and wore a fun pair of drop earrings. The act of putting on makeup wakes me up in the morning and actually sends the signal to my brain that it's time to be serious about my work. I internally associate the act of applying make-up to going out either for fun or for work, so it makes sense that it triggers my work mode.
I know I've said this before, but I'll say it again: I really need and want to make a habit of waking up early, working out and getting ready for a productive day. I can so hung up in what I have to do that I forget what is good for me to do.
Ah, Valentine's Day! I always liked Valentine's Day growing up. Even if I didn't have a significant other I spent the day showing my friends and family how much I appreciated and loved them by giving them small gifts like cupcakes and candies. Who says that Valentine's Day only has to be for couples? When I did have a boyfriend, or later my husband, I insisted on keeping the day low-keyed and sweet. No big ticket items like jewelry; instead I wanted to spend the day doing something fun like going to a museum or zoo, grabbing a couple of slices of pizza, and exchanging books, music or candies.
Yesterday was my six hour teaching day, followed by dinner with Ed. We had planned to see The Artist afterwards but were too tired to hang around for the 8:00 movie to start. Yeah I know, we're old farts. Tuesday is just one of THOSE days for me: teaching is performing and it takes a lot out of me.
Anyway, I wanted to wear something festive, yet work appropriate ... and I really didn't want to look like a cheese ball like so many other people I saw yesterday. I wore a new black and red dress from DressBarn. The fabric is synthetic (rayon mix) and is printed with roses in reverse, meaning the red is the outline of the black rose. Over the surface are clear sequins that pick up the light, giving the whole dress an overall shine. The top, which you can't see, is more of a halter top style. I'll be honest, I didn't have the correct bra for this dress so I hide the straps under my fuzzy bolero. Finally, I wore my kitten heels and opaque stockings. All in all, Ed and I had a nice quiet dinner in the West Village followed by a very slow walk to the subway. It was a perfect Valentine's evening: quiet, cuddly and low-keyed.
I have to admit, the best thing about Bat Fit and losing weight is rediscovering the stuff that has been shoved to the back of my closet because I couldn't fit into it anymore, but loved it too much to donate. I actually have three skirts, three dresses, a few blouses and a pair of pants that fall into this category. I am happy to announce that I fit perfectly into all three dresses, one skirt (the other two are almost there), and all of my blouses. I have a long way to go in order to fit into my pants, but I'm well on my way. I am reconsidering Anon's suggestion of altering my skirts ... I won't do the slacks because they are well-worn and ready to be donated, but skirts I will alter because I can definitely get more mileage out of them.
For this assignment I am featuring two outfits: one that I couldn't fit into for over six years, but refused to denote because I absolutely adore it; and one that I haven't worn in ages because I haven't really been out dancing in ages. Yes, I will admit that it's been a while since I hit the dance floor. Why? Grad school and teaching have kept me extremely busy and quite tired! Perhaps this will change in the near future.
Without further ado, I give you one of the dresses that I haven't worn in approximately six years or more.
This gorgeous silk dress was bought in Lord & Taylor over six years ago. The brand is one of Lord & Taylor's exclusive brands, Kate Hill. I originally bought it because I loved the cut and the pattern -- it really has a 50s retro feel to it. I have only worn it three times before I couldn't fit into it any longer: once for a wedding and twice during summer teaching. The red is a true Chinese red and part of the reason why I bought it. The other reason is the poppies in the print.
I am wearing an aura borealis bead set that my Mom gave me for my first wedding -- yes, I was married before for all of two years. What do you want? I was super young (23) and super stupid!!! These beads were a gift to my Mom from an ex-boyfriend, which makes them around 56 years old. I rarely wear them because I am deathly afraid of losing them or having them break on me. I only wear them for special occasions that require me to dress fancy.
I tried this dress with three different pairs of shoes before I decided to go stockingless and don a nice pair of strappy sandals. I haven't really worn these much either because of the weight -- yes, I'm even fitting into shoes that I would have been super tight on me because of swelling or because of the extra weight. I am certainly going to get A LOT of use out of these sandals this summer, especially since I'm going to be adding some retro looks to my wardrobe.
And now for an outfit that you would normally see me in as I claw, taffy pull, and stomp my way across the dance floor.
You've seen the corset top before ... I believe over the summer at some point -- but I fits me MUCH better these days. I've paired it with a floofy crinoline/tutu. I absolutely adore this look because I look like pixie fully capable of kicking ass. Of course the only way to wear a crinoline/tutu is with tall, stompy boots. Hell, the only way to wear any sort of short skirt is with stompy boots! RAWR!!! Looking at this photo makes me very excited to start my new half sleeve. My first appointment with Virg is on Friday, March 9th! SQUEEE!!!!
This has nothing to do with the homework assignment, but I wanted to show you what's blooming in my house at the moment: narcissus! WAHOO! Three bulbs started to bloom last night, the forth one is still closed but not for long. The house smells AMAZING!!! And you know what I started to plan in response to all of this blooming? My garden, of course! How many more weeks until I can get my hands into the mud? And, you do see a frog sponge holder and curtains with strawberries. Besides bats, owls and all things spooky I am obsessed with frogs, bears and strawberries. *shrug* It's my "thing."
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I know what you are asking, dear readers: how's the ol' Professor doing so far on her quest for 40x40? Is she still sticking with the challenges that she assigns to the rest of us? And *gasp* what's the next challenge? Darlings, I am very proud to say that I am making very noticeable progress on my quest for 40x40. I'm down 15 pounds and slowly moving towards the 20 pound mark. I say slowly because my workouts are getting more intense and I have a feeling that I'm gaining muscle mass, meaning I'm hitting weight equilibrium. Remember, muscle weighs more than fat and that means the more muscle I define and shape the slower I'm going to lose weight. This isn't a bad thing. I'm fitting into my clothes much, much better and the muscle definition is extremely obvious. A few days ago, I was stretching in front of the mirror before I jumped in the shower and was completely surprised to see that my abs are starting to become extremely defined. It must be the 40+ sit ups that I've been doing! WAHOO!
I'm still dancing around the apartment, but I'm only doing so four times a week. However, I've increased the dance time to 40 minutes alternating between super stompy EBM/industrial music like Project Pitchfork, Wumpscut and Rotersand and more traditional Goth like Rosetta Stone or The Merry Thoughts. Hell, I've even spun around the living room to Death in June and Ikon, making sure that my arms got the majority of the workout which wasn't very difficult to do. I have to admit, I LOVE this part of my work out. Dancing inevitably puts me into an awesome mood and I'm finding it extremely meditative ... even better than yoga. I always use my iPod because I don't want distractive noises from the outside world; besides the iPod allows me to mimic the volume of a typical club. I close my eyes and dance, losing myself completely to the music as I always do on the dance floor. Sometimes I try new moves and I always find myself smiling to myself as my mood transforms. Yep, no matter how grumpy I am when I start, I am ALWAYS in an awesome mood after.
I follow my 40 minute dance workout with weights: high reps with low weights following a workout that I've used throughout my life for the swim team. I focus my efforts on my arms, back and chest and target areas that I know aren't getting much work. I also do sit ups and leg lifts ... no, I don't crunches. I prefer a good, solid sit up that is slowly and thoughtfully done. When I was in high school I remember being able to do 100 sit ups or more in one go! I was strong and my abs showed it. I want that back and I'm working diligently to achieve it.
As for my eating habits, I'm really watching how much goes on my plate and what kind of food I eat. I'm making thoughtful choices, opting for complex nutritional meals with loads of taste. I'm limiting my calories specifically in the morning and the afternoon, and keeping an eyeball on them in the evenings ... yet, I don't feel deprived. Poached eggs are a Goddess-send and have found themselves on everything from an English muffin to spinach salad! I half my portions (or more!) and eat slowly, allowing my body to register that it's getting food. I am also allowing myself treats once a day, like the Skinny Cow chocolate and caramel clusters or a Skinny Cow ice cream cup before bed. Snacks are my downfall and I've been militant on what I eat and when I eat my snack. I have had some heavy calories days, but I also have had some very good calorie days or days that I'm working out and running all over the place. What I'm doing is good for me and it's working.
I still journal, but that's not really hard for me. I've had a paper journal for a long time and it's really easy for me to write in it every day. Some days it's just a health and food log, other days I make longer entries discussing triumphs, challenges, and noted happenings. I don't really decorate it as I was in the beginning -- I don't time and I'm not really interested enough to do so.
As for the last challenge of being good to myself: MAJOR FAIL. I'm my own worst critic and let's face it, I'm a perfectionist. I haven't been able to crack my schedule to allow myself the time to do fun, creative stuff and this bothers me. However, my advisor gave me some important tools to tackle my schedule and the dissertation process. So maybe I just need a little more time with this challenge? Maybe I will eventually learn how to lighten up and stop being so incredibly stressed out and twisted? I have actually carved out time to polish my nails, do a pedicure, trim my bangs and color my hair ... so maybe I haven't failed so badly.
Dear readers, I'm quite pleased with my results and I'm excited that I'm well on my way to accomplish my goal. What happens after I reach my goal weight? Well, honestly I will have 10 more pounds to go after that and I will loss that gradually throughout the rest of the year. Right now let's get to my 40th birthday 40 pound lighter than when I began 2012!
Dear readers, do you have a good idea for future Bat Fit Challenges? I have three more and then I'm a bit stumped, so any suggestions would be awesome!
Yesterday was a super long, but extremely fun, day for me. I spent the morning teaching, the afternoon grading essay summaries, and the evening with Ed and my dissertation advisor. We invited her out to dinner to celebrate the passing of my dissertation proposal and her emeritus status. Because she and I are crazy for burgers we went to BareBurger in Manhattan (Laguardia Place). Let me tell you, if you're going to indulge in a delicious, blue cheese, fried mushroom and onion, and maple-smoked thick-cut bacon laden burger on a brioche bun, THIS is the place. YUM! Side house salads, an order of fries for the table, pints of beer in hand, and awesome conversation made for a most delightful dinner ... which only continued across the street at Bruno's where we went for coffee and pastries. I finally got to sit down and be social with my advisor which was an absolute pleasure. We swapped stories, talked about family, and discussed issues surrounding working methods for writing books/dissertations.
I wore a sparkly, cowl-neck, sleeveless blouse under a 3/4 sleeve sweater. I've featured both articles of clothing in other posts; however I am simply amazed how different my clothes look on me these days -- just a little weight loss and toning really makes clothing fall so much better on my body. That skirt is the Lane Bryant pencil skirt I bought last semester and featured here a number of times. What was once tight and wiggly is now loose and hanging on my hips like a straight skirt! I need to milk my wardrobe until the semester ends because I refuse to buy anything new until the semester is over. I'm actually considering either teaching only one class next semester or taking the entire semester off to write, so it's not urgent.
I know the photo crops out my shoes. I am wearing the patent leather loafers that I gravitate towards when I know I'm going to have a busy day. They're comfortable and they enable to me run from place to place without much fuss. And let's talk stockings! These diamond patterned stocking were found on sale at Target sometime mid-fall. I love patterned and printed stockings but it is so hard to find them in my size. They're always too short or too tight. BOO!
ACADEMIC MUSINGS AND UPDATES: I have to admit, I was a bit nervous about having dinner with my advisor last night. I really didn't know what to tell her if she asked me how I was progressing in my dissertation. After all, I am teaching three classes, two of which I've never taught before and therefore, need preparation every week. I'm trying to keep on top of my dissertation stuff, but I have only written a little bit and I have done some reading to flesh out the chapter I have already written. I, of course, told her everything. She was fantastically understanding and explained to me that doing even the simplest of tasks is still doing something! She also shared her struggles and challenges with writing and gave me some extremely helpful suggestions on how to overcome my own challenges. THIS was the most wonderful information I could ever get from an advisor. To hear that she still struggles with the challenges associated with a long term writing project was incredibly enlightening. I've always thought that once you hit a certain point in your academic career it somehow gets easier. I also hear the bragging of my fellow students and inevitable compare myself to them, making myself feel like crap because I'm not producing fast enough or in volume. I do know that their bragging is complete bullshit and a way to psyche out the students they consider competition.
Well, imagine my surprise to hear that the woman I respect with my entire being struggles! The best part: her advice! She told me her tactics of wading through the daunting task of writing and researching. She also advised me to celebrate every single accomplishment throughout the process, no matter how small and insignificant. According to her, it helps the scholar by showing that progress is being made. I am happy to say that it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I am not longer freaked out that I'm supposedly not producing and understand that I have been producing all along. Last night's conversation has released the pressure to produce quickly. It has given me wiggle room to make sure that the classes I teach are taken care of and that I work in a reasonable manner. Heck, it's even given me license for guilt-free personal time! I can't thank her enough ... perhaps another round of burgers and pastries? Or maybe a kick ass dissertation will do?
The Run Down:
Blouse and skirt: Lane Bryant
Sweater: Dress Barn
Shoes: DSW
Stockings: Target
Earrings: QVC
Necklace: Choker: gift from my mother-in-law, moonstone pendant: a tiny store at the foot of the Hill of Tara, Ireland
Bracelet: gift from my mother-in-law
A couple of posts back I called for a Moratorium on Trousers because those that I owned are way too big on me. I decided that I couldn't go through a semester without a trusty pair of trousers since I can be notoriously lazy on cold days and need something simple to grab that doesn't include wrestling with stockings at the crack of dawn. Off to Lane Bryant I went and picked up a pair two sizes smaller than my current trousers. TWO SIZES. And look, they still look loose on me! It's probably the cut because the waist fits perfectly; but what's up with the legs? They will have to do for now. Happily, the length of the legs are perfectly suited for flats; no hemming required. It annoys me that many of the companies are hemming slacks specifically for heels. I'm really tall and never had to hem pants until a few years ago. Face it, I'm not going to wear a heel over three inches: with my bum toe they're uncomfortable and I was never really one for a heeled shoe, especially since I'm always running around Manhattan. I prefer flats and boots.
While at Lane Bryant I bought the above belt. Many of my blouses are starting to get loose on me, but not loose enough for me to give them away. Instead I bought a cincher-belt that will gather the loose fabric at my waist, creating a nice silhouette. I decided to test drive the belt with my open, ruffled sweater that I've featured many times before. Under the sweater, I am wearing a new wine colored, sleeveless plissé blouse that has ruffles around the neckline. I like the contrast between the soft, flowing fabrics and the hard, patent leather, fake snakeskin of the belt. It gives edginess to an otherwise typical "professorial" outfit.
Say hello to my new shoes! I am part of DSW's rewards, therefore I get coupons for $10.00 off a new pair of shoes every few months. I can't help but to spend said coupon the minute it comes in the mail. :) Above is my latest acquisition: a pointed leather flat with criss-crossed patent leather straps that terminate into delicate buckles. I can't say that they are the most comfortable pair of shoes I own but they're damned pretty!
This is the necklace that I instinctively grabbed yesterday: a full moon. One of my students asked me if I was wearing the necklace in honor of yesterday's full moon. Honestly I wasn't, but I have to wonder if subconsciously I was. The piece is from Kirk's Follies and was bought on QVC a few years ago. The moon is made of glass and is surrounded by crystals. The chord is leather and the beads are also crystal. I absolutely adore Kirk's Follies, particularly their moons. The face is so friendly and rather feminine, just like the Momma Moon. ;)
These earrings are probably one of my most favorite that I own. I bought them in New Hope at a store that is no longer in business, Rebel Hearts. I'm not really sure what the metal is, but the "gems" are crystals and enameling. The combination of greens and blues, and the shape of the earring caught my eye the minute I saw them. They aren't too heavy and are quite comfortable to wear.
I really like the contrast between the wine blouse, the overall black, and the pop of green and blue. Since they are opposite colors on the color chart the wine and the blue/green work off of each other, creating a tension that is actually quite balanced. I believe it creates interest and draws attention to my face, which isn't a bad thing. ;)
When you wear color, if ever, do you like them to contrast or compliment each other?
Ah Fridays! This semester I'm teaching the second half of a foundation class called "Perspectives in World Art and Design," which is basically Art History 101. The second half starts with the Renaissance and continues through Contemporary Art. I'm always happiest teaching the second half because I'm a 19th century Art Historian with a Non-Related Minor in Renaissance and Baroque Art. In other words, I'm teaching what I solidly know. Today's lesson: 15th century art in Northern Europe! sigh ... how I love the Northern painters and their jewel-like application of oil paint. Gads, Jan van Eyck paints fluffy hair like no other artist in history! And those super saturated colors! SWOON!
Ok, ok, enough about art, let's talk fashion! Yep, yet another outfit that I had to dig out from the back of my closet because almost everything I currently own is too big on me. I bought this Anne Klein suit three years ago for a conference at which I was presenting a paper on St. Nicholas Magazine (my dissertation topic). I think I've worn it three times and probably wore the skirt a handful of times alone as part of other outfits before both became tight on me. It's a gorgeous light-weight wool that is patterned with a checkerboard pinstripe. It doesn't show in the photo but there is an underlying deep burgundy pinstripe running throughout the fabric. The photo also doesn't show that the jacket is actually fitted throughout the waist and flared at the bottom. Unfortunately, it's 6:45 AM when I take my Friday photos and I'm usually running to make my train. I had the jacket buttoned throughout the day and was amazed that I had about an inch of extra fabric at the waist! Oh yeah!!!
I featured this silk blouse from Elle in previous posts, most notably the posts from the 2011 MAPACA conference. As I said before, it's actually two blouses: a tank and a buttoned blouse with a tie at the collar. I wanted to jazz-up the outfit a bit so I wouldn't look so stodgy, therefore I wore fishnet stockings and my new, fun shoes from DSW. I believe both give a fun, bouncy aire to the outfit and create a tailored Goth aesthetic without being over-the-top.
It's a new month my darlings and you know what that means:
IT'S HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT TIME!!!
Awwww .... Professor! No, not more homework! *giggle* As you all know by now, I'm on a quest to lose 40 pounds by my 40th birthday in June. I'm well on my way as my photos are showing, which means I'm not fitting into some of my clothing at the moment. So like any good Goth Gal would do I'm digging into my closet to see what kind of goodies have been pushed to the back because they didn't fit my larger frame. I have many things that I've kept because I adore them and don't have the heart to give them away. Pure gems! So without further ado, you're homework assignment this month is to dig into your closets and put together an outfit featuring something that you haven't worn in forever. It can also be accessories or make-up, but it MUST be something you haven't had on your physical body in a long, long time. This is a really good excuse to clean out your closets and put those long forgotten things back into rotation!
NO ADULT CONTENT PLEASE.
So you want to participate? AWESOME! Here are the rules:
1. on February 13 check back here for my Monthly Homework Assignment contribution;
2. on your post please include this bit of code to link back to this blog and my post. You can easily do this by cutting and pasting the code under the "Edit HTML" tab:
This is a repost from my now defunct personal blog, The Dancing Maenad, from July 1. 2011:
Recently, it has come to my attention that many in the Witch and Pagan community erroneously associate the black clad, "oogie, spooky" Witches with the Goth subculture. These Pagansassume that somehow a Pagan or Witch who dresses all in black or who wears "witchy" clothing and heavy black eyeliner is somehow participating in a "goth game," and therefore subject to criticism. Many use the term "goth" as a way to disassociate themselves with those unsavory people who call themselves Witches, Warlocks or Pagans and who dress in "goth" clothing (read: "witchy" clothing) in order to turn a buck or bring media attention to themselves. Many well-meaning Pagans involved in educating the general public denounce Goth and Gothic fashion as part of the stereotypical "witch" image, all the while trying to show the public that Witches and Pagans come in all shapes and forms -- many whom look and act "just like you and me."
Essays have appeared on Witches' Voice that use the term "goth" as a catch all word that means pessimistic, black or shadow magick, satanism, and those people who engage in questionable ritual practices. I've also witnessed the use of the term to denote people who are characteristically drama queens and who are going through a "phase" and need to grow up. Yet, while trying to separate themselves from the "oogie, spooky" Witches and Pagans, these well-meaning educators are not only being intolerant to a 30 + year old subculture, but they are ostracizing those in the Gothic subculture for participating in the very freedom of expression that these educators hold dear. In other words, while it's ok for Witches and Pagans to be soccer moms, hippies, bikers, and everyday people, it seems to me that it's not ok for Goths to be involved in the Pagan community because we give Pagans and Witches a "bad image." After all, we look "oogie, spooky" almost everyday and not because we are Pagans and Witches, but because we are Goths.
So, what is a Goth anyway? Instead of trying to explain it here, I urge you to please read the information page on Goth.net; or check out Jillian Venter's page; or watch her video here:
These pages all explain what Goth is and what Goth isn't. Not all Witches or Pagans who happen to be decked out in their "witchy finery" are Goths. A sure fire way to know whether a person is a Goth is to check out the music on their iPod or what's listed on their Facebook page because Goth is a subculture affiliated with a music aesthetic that has its roots in Punk Rock. And yet, believe or not Gothic (aka Goth) and modern Paganism share DNA.
In 1757, Englishman Edmond Burke published his treatise A Philosophical Enquiry into the Origin of Our Ideas of the Sublime and the Beautiful. As quoted in Petre ten-Doesschate Chu's Nineteenth Century European Art:
Burke observed that the most powerful human emotions are evoked not by the experience of beauty, but rather by the sensation of pain or fear, or both. These emotions are, in reality, unpleasant, but when experienced from a "safe distance," pain and fear can be thrilling (as when one watches a raging fire), or, as Burke called it, "sublime." Sublime experiences, he wrote, produce a "delightful horror," distinct from the emotion inspired by beauty, which he defined as "love, or some passion similar to it." (74)
Burke's ideas regarding the sublime provided a counter ideal to the contemporary Neoclassical trend in fashion, art and literature. His treatise allowed emotion to trump reason and rationality; horror, fear and pain instead of pleasure and edification. While Europeans flocked to Rome to rediscover Classicism, many Northern Europeans stayed home and looked to their own medieval cultural roots for inspiration. (Chu, 75) This became increasingly important and albeit, necessary, during the Napoleonic Wars when much of Europe was cut off from the Grand Tour routes to Rome by war. In England, literati like Horace Walpole supported all things medieval, going so far as to build his own British medieval castle called Strawberry Hill. This artistic style called English "Gothick" attracted writers such as Lord Byron, Mary Wollstonecraft, and her daughter Mary Shelley, eventually inspiring the works of Edgar Allen Poe and Bram Stoker ... and Anne Rice. At the same time, many 18th century writers and artists like Byron, Wollstonecraft, and William Blake were involved in the metaphysical philosophies of theologian Emanuel Swedenborg, who popularized theories of correspondences. These are the same theories of correspondences found in today's books on Wicca and Paganism, but more on that in a moment.
In the late 70s, early 80s, the term Gothic or Goth was associated with a specific genre of music and aesthetic growing out of the post-Punk scene. Called Gothic Punks, those in the subculture were attracted to the dramatic, the romantic, the macabre, and most importantly, the sublime. Gothic associations with esoteric spirituality and philosophy and alternative ideals have their roots in the 18th century circles of Burke, Blake and Swedenborg (see the above links for more information). Today, Goths -- those associated with the subculture -- follow a variety of religions and philosophies, or none at all, preferring a more logical, scientific approach to existence. Goths are Goths for a number of reasons. However, a good majority of us are attracted to the sublime qualities the genre offers in dress, music and ideology. The scene is extremely tolerant of alternative lifestyles and ideals, and supports our right to be and think outside the box -- even outside of our own subculture.
Both Goth and modern Paganism share DNA. What we know as modern Paganism and Witchcraft are modern reinterpretations and reworking of both traditional European folk traditions (and what we know of folk religions) and a variety of esoteric high magical practices and spiritual paths that developed as an alternative to the dogma and corruption of the established Christian church. Many of these alternatives, like Swedenborgian philosophy, developed during the same time as Burke's ideals on the sublime. In addition, interest in national heritage, folk traditions and folk religions increased as a result of political nationalism, which was a direct response to the Napoleonic Wars. All of this can be loosely organized under the term Romanticism. (Honour; Zerner and Rosen) As we move into the 19th century with the Romantic movement, we continue to see where Goth and Paganism meet: the inner workings of the mind with Freud and the avatar and divine self with Jung; Lavatar's theories of phrenology; high magic and folk ways; Romantic ideals of medievalism and Renaissance culture; tapping into other states of being and spiritual planes; and the mystical, magical, and other including the dramatic, fearful, and irrational. Here is where we have our shared DNA.
Yet Goth Pagans are maligned in order to validate the "real" Witch, who is often a hippy, biker or soccer mom. Because of a few money grubbing media whores, Goths are associated with those "oogie, spooky" Witches and Pagans who claim they are Witches because they "look like one." Within the Pagan community the intolerance towards those of us who identify as both Goth and Witch or Pagan is extremely high. I understand the necessity of educating the general public that Witches and Pagans aren't Satan worshipping baby-eaters, but neither are Goths. Why prove your validity by mocking or disproving the validity of a subculture that has a long history in art, literature and music? Why build your existence by disassociating yourself from a subculture that shares your DNA?
Goths are Goths because we honor the right to be individuals; to laugh in the face of death; and to revel in the sublime. Like all people who follow something that isn't mainstream, including Paganism and Witchcraft, we are persecuted and harassed. Like Pagans and Witches, we can lose our jobs and our children ... and in some instances, our lives. Might I remind you of the beating and eventual death of Englishwoman, Sophie Lancaster? She and her boyfriend, Robert Maltby, were ruthlessly beaten into comas on August 11, 2007 by a gang of thugs simply for being Goth. While Robert eventually came out of his coma, Sophie died. Goths are treated with suspicion and hatred because of the way we look, even within the so-called tolerant Pagan community.
So before you validate your Pagan-ness or Witch-ness by dismissing Goths as being "oogie, spooky" and not really serious, remember your words can have a deadly consequence -- remember Sophie. Paganism is about freedom and attracts everyone from soccer moms to hippies to bikers, and yes, even Goths. Before you give that cat-eyed, boot-wearing, black-clad Goth the stink eye at your next Pagan event remember, there are those who have been harassed, beaten and killed for being different ... just like Witches and Pagans. We have more than Burkean sublimity in common -- we both have shed blood for our freedom to follow our lifestyles.
Works Cited:
Burke, Edmond.A Philosophical Enquiry into the Origin of Our Ideas of the Sublime and the Beautiful. Edited by Adam Philips. Oxford and New York: Oxford University Press, 1990. Print. Chu, Petre ten-Doesschate.Nineteenth Century European Art. New York: Prentice Hall, 2006. Print. Honour, Hugh.Romanticism. New York and London: Westview Press, 1979. Print. Zerner, Henri and Charles Rosen.Romanticism and Realism: Mythology of Nineteenth Century Art. New York: W.W. Norton & Co, Inc., 1985. Print.
